"Why does my child have so much behaviourial issues? " Explaining the Behavioral Iceberg Theory

Before we dive into any behavioral management strategies, I always advise my parents to understand WHY such behavior(s) is elicited from their child. The “Behavioural Iceberg” Diagram perfectly sums up the need to look beneath the surface and uncover the TRUE reasons behind each behaviour. Often times we only see the observable behaviours and attempt to correct them in hope of diminishing such behaviors. Most parents fall into despair when negative reinforcements or punishments doesnt work. This frustration often leads into a downward spiral of reinforcing the child’s undesired behaviour due to the lack of understanding.

Behaviour is a form of communication. A behaviour forms because the child has yet to learn to communicate effectively or functionally therefore it goes back to its most familiar way of communication - body language or crying.

Why the iceberg analogy?

The iceberg is a wonderful analogy to understand children’s behaviour and the reasons behind the behaviour. The child’s behaviour is the tip of the iceberg, and what we see on the surface. Behaviour is triggered from feelings, which stem from the deeply rooted needs of the child. Like an iceberg, the bulk of behaviour’s “mass” is hidden below the surface. The hidden base of the iceberg represents the belief behind the behaviour and the child’s needs. Basic needs consist of safety, security, trust, empathy, understanding, autonomy, adequate sleep and nutrition, competency, respect, love and a sense of belonging and significance.

When a child’s basic needs are met, he or she feels connected, safe, secure, confident, and satisfied. However, when the child perceives (realistically or not) that their need is not being met, then misbehaviour will occur. Misbehaviour is triggering for parents, and gets under our skin. Most parents often deal with misbehaviour with bribes, threats and punishments (blame, shame and pain). This confirms a child’s belief that they do not have significance or belonging, creating a cycle of discouragement.

It is important to address the underlying beliefs beneath the surface of the iceberg in order for sustained behaviour change to occur. To help understand the misinterpretation of the child’s belief, it is imperative to have knowledge of the human brain. The brain development happens in stages, from bottom to the top. The amygdala and the limbic system develops first, which are the instinctual and emotional parts of the brain. Then the neocortex (thinking, and logical part of the brain) develops much later in adolescence and early childhood.

Children are good perceivers, but poor interpreters, of the world around them. They are not able to see the bigger picture and engage in higher level thinking. Figuring out cause-and effect patterns are too much for them to comprehend. Many parents have the perception that their child is like a “mini adult”. This often requires the child to engage in behaviour that is not yet age appropriate, and when they don’t it is often seen as misbehaviour. It is important to consider the underlying feelings and needs of children rather than reacting to the behaviour on the iceberg’s surface.

My biggest takeaway to manage behaviour is always - “Seek To Understand”. This applies to all kinds of challenging behavior I have encountered over the years of being in Special Education. Behind every behavior is a function, a WHY. If we could understand that and tackle the behavior with empathy, you’ll soon find that behavior and stress will diminish, and your relationship with your child will improve along the way.